Lump: a story about breast cancer.
3.5 years ago, when I first got diagnosed with breast cancer my impulse was to try and pin down some of the emotional turmoil I was going through. I ended up reaching for a pen (ok a keyboard) and I started to write. Once I started, I couldn’t stop, and the words poured out. Angry, scared, shocked, confused but most of all I guess, they were honest. I just wanted to talk to myself and my partner, David, about the blunt reality of what that cancer diagnosis felt like from the inside. Many, many thousands of words later we discussed making the private more public in the hope that it might help others so, quietly, somewhat covertly, I put it up as a blog, kind of hoping it would never be found. It was found and the comments from its many readers found a mixed response in me. I was delighted that my words seemed to hit the mark for so many people whilst at the same time being profoundly sad that so many others were going through similar emotional turbulence for whatever reason in their lives. I may not have intentionally written for anyone else, but it seemed I had anyway.
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Now, 2 years down the line, we’ve decided to turn the blog into a podcast. Writing for the spoken word has always been my natural habitat so it does seem the obvious next step but how would it feel to step back in time, not just to re-read all those emotional outpourings but actually give them a voice, my voice? Would it open up too many wounds? It has been emotional and sad but at the same time, there’s nothing quite like stepping into your old footprints to realise just how far you’ve walked since you made them. I was a bit anxious about the recordings too, concerned how I’d cope with doing them on my own or if I’d need a hand to hold. In the end I decided to just go it alone and in practise it hasn’t perhaps been quite as bad as I thought it might, although with hindsight it would have been a kindness to Dave and Johnny at The Music Shed studios in Inverness to actually tell them what I was going to be talking about before we started recording! Over the course of several hours together and many shared tears, they’ve become firm friends and I’ve now added them to the legion of amazing people cancer has brought me into contact with.
Among them, although our friendship started before cancer formed an unfortunate overlap between us, is Ali McRitchie, Salon Director of The Head Gardener in Inverness. When we took a gentle walk together, discussing Ali’s own recent cancer recovery and I told her of our plan to create LUMP, a podcast from the blog, she immediately offered her sponsorship and support. With Ali on board suddenly LUMP felt real and most importantly, the right thing to do. I’d been nervous of our teaming up with a sponsor, concerned about finding the right fit for something at times so dark and difficult but Ali ‘gets’ every word I’ve written. The ethos at the salon is one which directly aligns with my own and Ali’s relentless fundraising and support for cancer charities, married with her first-hand knowledge of the challenges of diagnosis, felt like the perfect fit.
So now, all that’s left to do is to launch LUMP and push it out into the big wide world. The plan is to have the first 4 episodes drop on Friday 11th August then we’ll publish a fresh episode every Friday morning across the year ahead. The accompanying original blog will be re-published here. While I’ve been itching to noodle with them, on the most part I’ve stayed true to the original words I chose. They were how I felt at the time, so I’ve tried to stay true. That also means what you’ll hear and read is unapologetically sweary.
So, please do subscribe, comment, rate it, review it and share it with anyone and everyone who you know who has ever been touched by cancer.
Pen June 2023 x
PEN’S NOTES ON EVERY EPISODE HERE ↓
Ep.16: No one would know you have cancer...
Each day I treat myself with a walk, coffee or lunch with friend, on Friday my treat takes the form of Cat. Cat’s a social worker by training, a human dynamo who commits to extraordinary feats of endurance, pushing her body to the limit through extreme triathlons and ultra running events when she’s not helping take the weight from families collapsing under the strain of childhood cancer battles.
Ep.15: A wake
I lie back in the bath and search for relief from the constant pain in my armpit. I’ve given in and taken some painkillers – the first since my lymph node biopsy a week ago - the pain has become scratchy and constant and I’m irritable and sad.
Ep.14: Define good
I’ve come to a fork in the road. Both paths that now lie ahead are gnarly, gruelling, painful and psychologically demanding, both are hard on the body but from where I stand one path seems infinitely shorter than the other, infinitely more appealing.

Ep.13: This tribe
A parcel arrived today and it contained the most exquisite picture of birches from my friend Kenris. Kenris has the most extraordinary talent for stitching trees and making them breathe on the cloth canvas she uses.
Ep.12: Chemo-fear
It’s been sitting in the background for weeks, a soft drone or buzz, like tinnitus but now it’s getting louder and its starting to provide the soundtrack to each day – chemo. On Thursday at 1045 I will find out whether the lymph nodes they removed from my armpit contain cancer and if they do I will need chemotherapy.
Ep.11: Be like Maureen
David drops me at the hospital at 7.15 am and I wander in alone to find the ward. I’ve hardly slept for thinking about today but still, I want to do this bit alone. Sometimes I need to know I’ve got that kind of strength and today I need to test myself out.
Ep.10: This is not a pissing contest
I’m back in no man’s land drifting through the days between one appointment and the next. My memory is now totally shot. Each day I wake with a jolt. The first thing I remember is that I have cancer, after that I’m all at sea. I struggle to piece together what day it is, where I’m supposed to be and what I’m supposed to be doing.

Ep.9: Telling B
The ‘Random Walk’ is a game I play with B. We head out to the front of the house and toss a coin. Heads go left, tails go right. At every subsequent road junction we toss again. Go left, go right? Go left, go right? In this way we meander through the centre of the city, sometimes looping back round on ourselves, frequently diving down streets we’d never usually choose to investigate, access roads and back alleys full of bins and wild flowers, paths leading to mysterious cul-de-sacs of oddly architectured 70s houses we never knew were there.
Ep.8: Weight
When you are given a diagnosis of cancer it’s like being handed a weight.
You have to carry that weight around with you all the time.
Sometimes the weight is big and angular and awkward to carry so you keep stumbling but your family and friends gather round and support you so you can get a better purchase, they help you carry it.
Ep.7: Vanity prevails
We saw my Surgeon on Thursday, in theory it was to get the test results back from the biopsies following the MRI but none of us were expecting anything other than that the cancer has spread beyond the initial lump I found. It has and I’ve had a week anticipating this point.

Ep.6: Jugs
So I’ve been putting 2 and 2 together and getting 1. I like to work things out, I’m a working things out kind of girl, and I’ve been figuring out that if they’ve found more than one site of invasive lobular carcinoma in my left breast that means, pretty much, my left breast is fucked.

Ep.5: Wonder Woman
I’m naked from the waist up, lying on my back, slightly on one side with my left arm up over my head. Naked from the waist up apart from a course strip of paper covering my chest – the staff in the ultrasound suite clearly think my breasts should be afforded more dignity than I’m now giving them in my head.

Ep.3: The Gift
When you get handed a cancer diagnosis, with it there comes a gift. It’s a free gift with every diagnosis and it’s up to you when and if you want to take it, unwrap it and use it. For me the gift became apparent very soon. My gift is a super-power. Which is funny when I think about it because not that long ago on a sunny summer afternoon in the garden my daughter B asked ‘mum if you had a super-power which one would it be?’.

Ep.4: Welcome to the club
Before the MRI I went to visit the Maggies Centre with my friend Deirdre. Me and Maggies. 2 weeks ago I hadn’t stepped inside a Maggies Centre apart from when I was recording a programme about cancer. I talked to experts and heard people’s stories and experiences and no doubt nodded in what I thought was an appropriately empathetic I’ll-never-be-one-of-you-guys way. Now I’m here because I’ve joined the club. Nothing prepares you for joining this club.

Ep.2: W.C.
6 days and 23 hours ago I got cancer. Well, learned I have cancer, when I got it is a moot point although it is one of the many points I’ve been snagged by over the past week. When did I change from me Before Cancer (BC) to a me With Cancer (WC)?

Ep.47: Cancerversary
It’s a year. A whole 12 months. How can this be? I know dates and markers in the sand don’t really mean anything, but we reach for them and wrap them in sparkly-papered significance all the same, presumably because we have something we feel is significant enough to dress up

Ep.1: One Little Lump
On 14th December 2019 I found a lump in my left breast. I'd been out cycling and was showering afterwards and something just felt wrong, weird, different. I didn't for one second imagine I'd have cancer. Me? Cancer? That's mental right? But I got it checked out and it on 22nd January 2020 it was confirmed. I had invasive lobular breast cancer.